Looking through the window.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, 

and I will give you rest.

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me,

 for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."

Matthew 11:28-30

I have been through a real time of awakening recently, it seems. It feels as though I have awoken from a hazy self centered dream to a fresh, crisp, spring morning, with every sense heightened and everything looks and smells so much clearer. The expression, "the lights have gone on" comes to mind. 

 I have always felt I was an Ok mum, I love both my children dearly and I try and care for them in a way that best suits us as a family. Taking things that concern me, to my Heavenly Father and asking for wisdom when I have not got the answers.

 I have had my heart softened to the idea of having a third child and God has used this time to show me so many things about myself that were buried just beneath my surface. I find myself convicted in my ways. Too often I have put my desires and my wants above my role as a mother. Too often I have cared about my needs and wants.I have often resented the role and felt that somehow  I was missing out on things that other women  had. Not for one minute have I regretted having my children, or becoming a mother. As a child its all I dreamed about, to have a husband and a beautiful family. Its just that at moments, i feel lost in the role, like my personality has ebbed away. Causing my God given talents to  become a shadowy existence behind the seemingly mundane.  But here I am,  standing amazed at what I see and I feel a change. I so wish to embrace motherhood with a new insight and fresh understanding of what a high calling it is to be 'a Mother'.

 God has so stirred my heart. It's like he has put a large stick into the well and stirred around and around, causing the things from the bottom, to rise to the surface. Its not as if they were not there before, it is just that they had gotten heavy and sunk to the bottom. To a place of unimportance. His spirit has stirred my well and brought things back to me in a deep and fresh way. Here, I embrace again, the things that I once held with higher esteem.

 I am learning, by his grace, that he has chosen me to be a Mother. He hand picked the children I would raise. He knows their hearts and their desires. He alone placed them there.

Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day.

Psalm 139-13-16

God I pray that I would grasp the gift, that it is to be a Mother; to look after, to care for, to take care of, to nurse, to protect, to tend, to raise, to rear & to love my children, just as you do to me! Give me more grace, more wisdom, more understanding in my role and fill me with your love and inspiration as I do. Let me trust, that as I give my all to this role, that you wold bless me with outlets for my creativity and personality to shine.

Amen.